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Post by nomorewirehanger on Apr 3, 2016 17:28:56 GMT -7
So.
It's basically been explained to me by my husband and children capable of speech that I'm not fun.
Worse than not fun.
I'm mean. Negative. A nag. I complain too much. The only time I'm "any fun to be around " I'm
drinking.
I don't know what to do about that.
I ordered some books on not yelling.
But I don't know how to change the fact that I'd rather gouge my eyes out than "play" with my kids. I realize this makes me an awful mother. But I wasn't a "plays well with others kid." I liked being left the fuck alone or with one other friend. Group activity ....no. I like to WATCH them play. This is enjoyable for me. To sit back and watch them have fun makes me happy. Apparently not wanting to actually be in the pool wrestling or in the water gun fight myself makes me weird. But. I don't wanna. I'm happier watching. This means I'm not fun.
..so I'm a nag. And I'm not fun.
...and after a rough evening most if which I've spent in my room crying into my infants blanket. I can't sleep.
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kissy
OG
I want a new drug...
Posts: 855 
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Post by kissy on Apr 4, 2016 9:05:01 GMT -7
Does anyone in the house have any respect for you as a human being let alone their wife/mother??
Tell them to get over it, lol. But seriously, it's not your job to entertain them and if you don't want to participate you don't have to. I will say that I am the same way with Ryan but I have found a few activities that *I* like to do and will do those with him--Wii bowling or Mario Kart and we like to play UNO. But I don't get on the floor and push cars around nor do I do Legos. And I have also been told I'm not fun--or rather, I *NEVER* want to do anything fun, which is not true.
I'd also point out to them that if they would act right more often and maybe lend you a hand with random chores WITHOUT you having to ask you'd be a lot happier and much less of a nag. Put it back on them girl, do NOT let them gang up on you like that and if I were there I'd totally admonish the adult child for allowing this even to even take place. Fucked up.
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Post by KyLady on Apr 4, 2016 9:34:47 GMT -7
Who plays with kids?!? I never play. That's why I gave them siblings and they have friends and toys. Being fun is overrated.
And being a nag is the direct consequence of them not doing their fair share of the work. They can change your behaviour easily by changing theirs.
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Post by KyLady on Apr 4, 2016 9:38:32 GMT -7
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Post by nomorewirehanger on Apr 4, 2016 10:30:28 GMT -7
The actual events that lead up to the entire conversation were.... rage inducing. But I just gave up being mad and cried. And according to the adult child it's the opposite problem. If I weren't so bitchy to the kids they'd behave for me. (Because I pointed out I don't lose my shit until I've asked about six million times. ) If running away were acceptable I assure you I'd be considering it. Because I basically give up. The stuff I like (reading, museums, plays... etc. ...) no one thinks is fun. They are going fishing with their daddy in a few hours. I'm glad I'm staying home. The last three times we've taken them have been disastrous. (L gets frustrated and ends up yelling at everyone. I'll pass thanks.) But watch they will be wonderful for him and everyone will say it's fun because I wasn't there.  |
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Post by nomorewirehanger on Apr 4, 2016 10:31:55 GMT -7
For the record : I love to fish. Fishing with three girls under the age of seven sucks on more levels than the most popular call girl in Trump tower)
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kissy
OG
I want a new drug...
Posts: 855
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Post by kissy on Apr 4, 2016 15:45:39 GMT -7
The actual events that lead up to the entire conversation were.... rage inducing. But I just gave up being mad and cried. And according to the adult child it's the opposite problem. If I weren't so bitchy to the kids they'd behave for me. (Because I pointed out I don't lose my shit until I've asked about six million times. ) If running away were acceptable I assure you I'd be considering it. Because I basically give up. The stuff I like (reading, museums, plays... etc. ...) no one thinks is fun. They are going fishing with their daddy in a few hours. I'm glad I'm staying home. The last three times we've taken them have been disastrous. (L gets frustrated and ends up yelling at everyone. I'll pass thanks.) But watch they will be wonderful for him and everyone will say it's fun because I wasn't there. Bullshit! He has no clue. And they probably behave better for him because they respect him for whatever reason and maybe because he scares them. For whatever reason it seems that your kids just walk all over you but then again I'm sure they see how L talk to you and that's where they've learned it. I don't blame you for not going fishing--J does the same thing with Ryan, he gets mad at him and yells and it's just miserable. He's controlling like that and doesn't have the patience to see Ryan LEARN--he just wants to constantly tell Ryan he's doing it wrong. Drives me nuts. If the kids came to him saying that you're no fun and you 'nag' too much then he should have stuck up for you and explained where the nagging comes from and support the fact that it's not your job to 'play' with them. Then he could have come to you alone and talked to you about it and maybe come up with a solution. He needs to recognize that you and he need to be a united front with the kids, this is something I've learned in the past few months and it makes a HUGE difference in Ryan's behavior. How did fishing go? I'm curious to know. Oh, and keep you chin up mama, you're amazing! Do NOT let them gang up on you and make you feel bad about yourself! This makes me so mad and sad for you all at the same time. BIG HUGS!! |
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Post by ronin on Apr 4, 2016 17:30:22 GMT -7
I got here late and Kissy said what I was going to say. Less typing!  (probably also more of coherent if I'm being honest....) I don't play with my kids either. If they want to play, they play with each other. That's one of the perks of having 2 kids. My daughter has made the mistake of whining at me that she was bored and expects me to do something about it. She gets told, "I'm not yer clown, fool! Go color / watch TV / listen to music / read a book / play with one of your billion toys or I'll find you something to clean." >: ( We do fun things as a family frequently enough that I don't feel bad about it. L's lack of support is destructive to your family. More destructive than your "lack of fun." |
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Post by nomorewirehanger on Apr 4, 2016 20:51:15 GMT -7
Well.Long story blissfully shorter.
I'm apparently (after the last two years... I think rightfully... but this is where my family and I disagree) completely incapable of taking a joke if it's at my expense. I simply immediately either get hurt or angry. It doesn't matter if I can tell they are kidding (in their defense they are) I no longer care. All I hear is "that fucker/ child/ parent/ random relative is making fun of me. Fuck them" now. I'm not claiming it's rational. I'm not claiming I'm right. But I have explained to my husband at length that there are some nerves that are gonna...be raw for awhile and take a long time to heal. Having the empathy of a fruit fly he doesn't understand. He also thinks my knee jerk "fuck all y'all" reaction has driven a huge wedge between me and the kids. (Not saying he's wrong. But he's still not taking any responsibility for the fact that I'm...for lack of a better phrase, an emotional fucking basket case in recovery from 18 months of verbal abuse. This process of "healing" is lengthy on my end)
I immediately slip into defense mode the second someone says anything that could even remotely be negative. Even if they are kidding. I just want them to ...take a break from those lines of "jokes" until I'm ...ready. does that make sense? We've always been a joking and sarcastic household. But I can't take it right now.
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Post by smokinghorse on Apr 5, 2016 5:40:09 GMT -7
Hugs, darlin'. Big, fat, beefy hugs from Kansas City.
This thing is off the rails. Is there any way L would agree to marriage counseling?? I just think that there's so much hurt, dysfunction, mistreatment, raw nerves, and frayed ends, that you guys need help even knowing where to start. If he wants to put this marriage back together, he needs to do something more than pay lip service. He doesn't recognize the harm he's doing, and he doesn't think you have any credibility. He's not going to listen to your explanations. You need an objective third party to help you both break bad habits and relearn how to talk in ways that are respectful and productive.
Right now, he's a self-serving DB, and you're losing yourself. It's so hard to even know what the hell you need right now, much less explain it to him. He's a bully, and he's a product of his own fucked up family. I wonder if he thinks that he's better than his brother, so that's his measuring stick of emotional health. Like, "Hey, you think you've got it so bad? Go live with my brother". Well, yeah. Baboon is better than primordial ooze, but I don't think human being is too much to ask for.
Mwah, hon. Loves ya.
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Post by nomorewirehanger on Apr 5, 2016 6:57:16 GMT -7
We've talked about it. He agreed at one point and then backed out when it seemed I was actually serious about making him go. He thinks he hasn't changed and my inability to "deal" with his (and anyone else's shit for that matter) shouldn't mean he needs counseling. He says if I wanna go talk to someone please do. He fully believes I need help. (It's all my mother's doing. She made me this way.) He's a very.... mind over matter person. And yes in his mind he is in every way better than his brother and father. His mother and my soon to be ex sister in law don't see that I have any room to complain based on what they have dealt with. His mother has gone as far to admonish me for being ungrateful of her "sweet baby."
Sadly in his family he's the nice one. I know we've made great strides in the last year (if y'all truthfully knew how bad it bad gotten at this point a year ago you would probably never forgive me for staying.) But I know we were once better and CAN be better. But ffs its it's like talking to a brick wall sometimes. he doesn't understand emotions. At all. I'm not convinced he has more than three or four. Happy .Hungry. Horny. Angry. Not a very "grey area" guy. So to him ...if I'm quiet and in my thoughts I have to be sad or pissed about something (no...was admiring the view?) Or if I'm smiling I must have made someone cry. (He seems convinced Im an internet bully on facebook. He obviously has greatly over estimated the "seriousness" of my posts. ) We just frankly don't know how to talk or listen to each other anymore without offending the other. Though the fact that we can converse without yelling or someone calling the other a name or is a huge improvement.
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kissy
OG
I want a new drug...
Posts: 855
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Post by kissy on Apr 5, 2016 7:38:21 GMT -7
Hugs, darlin'. Big, fat, beefy hugs from Kansas City. This thing is off the rails. Is there any way L would agree to marriage counseling?? I just think that there's so much hurt, dysfunction, mistreatment, raw nerves, and frayed ends, that you guys need help even knowing where to start. If he wants to put this marriage back together, he needs to do something more than pay lip service. He doesn't recognize the harm he's doing, and he doesn't think you have any credibility. He's not going to listen to your explanations. You need an objective third party to help you both break bad habits and relearn how to talk in ways that are respectful and productive. Right now, he's a self-serving DB, and you're losing yourself. It's so hard to even know what the hell you need right now, much less explain it to him. He's a bully, and he's a product of his own fucked up family. I wonder if he thinks that he's better than his brother, so that's his measuring stick of emotional health. Like, "Hey, you think you've got it so bad? Go live with my brother". Well, yeah. Baboon is better than primordial ooze, but I don't think human being is too much to ask for. Mwah, hon. Loves ya. All of this! I had to explain to J that I needed him to learn how to empathize with me--I don't want him to feel sorry for me, I just need him to attempt to understand or at least recognize that there are times I'm riding an emotional roller coaster and I'm not exactly sure how to get off. And him telling me to 'just get over it' and asking 'why do you let this stuff bother you' isn't helpful. What *I* need from him is his support and unconditional love. It's interesting because I can tell when he's stressed and he's got a lot going on in his head--even when he can't. His behavior towards me and Ryan changes and he has NO patience, even with the dogs. He won't ever admit that though and I guess it's possible he'd consider it a weakness. But when he's like that I know how to step in and pick up the slack--I've taken over bedtime a few times because it's clear J just isn't in the mood to do it and I've told him THAT'S OK! But he's working toward being capable of reciprocating that, and I honestly have a hard time understanding why it's so difficult. It's either not in his nature or he just doesn't care enough about me to recognize. Lip service is what I tend to get from J and that's no good. We cannot move forward unless we get past that, and neither can you guys. |
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Post by nomorewirehanger on Apr 5, 2016 7:59:21 GMT -7
That's basically verbatim what I get from him. "I don't understand" "why does this bother you?" "It's not that big a deal...why are you upset?" And "I don't know why it bothers me it just does!" Is met with ...."you aren't a kid. Gtfo. Seriously. You're acting like a toddler"
Basically my being more emotional than I was years past is equated to the behavior of a child. Because to him any reaction other than complete calm or ir "rational" anger is child like. *y'all know why the ir* is there.
He doesn't want me back on meds again. Meds don't make me happy. They make me numb. Numb Hangers is a smarter hangers who takes shit like love and devotion and children out of the equation and packs her shit and calls her dad for a place to live. He wasn't as big a fan of non emotional me as he thought he would be.
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Post by smokinghorse on Apr 5, 2016 12:19:37 GMT -7
He doesn't want me back on meds again. Meds don't make me happy. They make me numb. Numb Hangers is a smarter hangers who takes shit like love and devotion and children out of the equation and packs her shit and calls her dad for a place to live. He wasn't as big a fan of non emotional me as he thought he would be. What does hangers want? At this point, I think that you have to get to a point where you're acting instead of reacting. You should do whatever you need to do to get to that point. He can call you a toddler all he wants. Ask him if saying that makes him feel better. Ask him if he expects that to make you feel better. If the answer is no, then ok, if you're saying shit that doesn't make anyone feel better, then maybe stop saying it. Also, find a counselor to try and figure out why we're saying things to intentionally keep down the person we're supposed to build up. Sometimes you have to take it all down to the most basic level possible. You're married. Marriage is hard. Much harder than we're taught to expect. But, it's supposed to be about two people who, albeit often fall short of doing it, at least WANT to lift one another up. To be a safe place for each other, like a harbor in a storm. How does it turn into this mindfucking battleground? And is there a willingness to try and see each other as partners who are in this together, rather than a blaming, mud-slinging, shame-fest. You need to remember, too, Sweet Lady, that you are teaching 5 future women how they should expect to be treated by a man. |
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Post by ronin on Apr 5, 2016 16:31:49 GMT -7
He also needs to be told that being the "nicest" abusive husband is not a life goal. (I wish I had my disapproving smilie....)  (Close enough) |
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(probably also more of coherent if I'm being honest....)