The Smart Phones and Tablets

Wish I knew the right answer. I think this is one of those areas where your main consideration needs to be the kind of kid you have. If he's in some kind of trouble, or gets in trouble often, or hangs out with kids who get in trouble, or you suspect drugs or alcohol, I would snoop. And I would justify it because the intent is rooted in his safety.

If it's idle curiosity, I promised myself a long time ago that I would respect their privacy, and I have. I think teenagers are likely to talk all kinds of shit on their parents (okay, they're more than likely. They're gonna talk shit on their parents). And me reading it is bad for both of us. It's venting. It's normal. They have every right to their feelings, and I have to remember that feelings can't be wrong, it's how you act on them that matters. So if the girl wants to call me a bitch in her diary, or texts? None of my business. If she says that shit to my face? No fucking way. But I'm not the thought police. I sure as hell don't want someone reading my mind. Most of that kinda stuff is venting in the moment, too, ya know? It's not really an accurate measure of feelings. Most of the time everything's boring. You just don't message your friends, or write in your journal, "Mom and Dad were cool tonight. We hung out and nothing happened."

So, that was my novel that could have been two sentences.

Know your kid, respect their boundaries, MYOB. But if you fear drugs, alcohol, or if they're acting in ways that are really unusual or uncharacteristic, I would turn their entire world upside down and study it with a fucking microscope.

That's my thing. I don't make a habit of going through his things. The last time I dug through his phone was when he charged a shit ton of money in clash of clans and we had to get a new fucking bank account. He had a slew of inappropriate texts on there about a girl. Texts that....were they to have made their way back to that girls family or the school? He'd have been sent to juvie. No doubt. For cyber bullying and sexual harassment. I took away the little shits phone for over 18 months.


My problem with yesterday was the fact that he blatantly got busted lying about Hus whereabouts and who he was with. And when his DAD took his stuff his FIRST reaction was to wipe the texts and pin lock his other two devices.


I smell a fucking rat. And I KNOW he was up to something yesterday. (Because who the FUCK risks the wrath of L to lie about having track...to go to a highschool soccer game? I realize teenagers have poor reasoning skills but if I'm gonna risk getting my ass whooped or grounded for life.... I'm going to at least make sure the party was worth it!!)

But my husband's naive ass isn't speaking to me (at all. Straight up silent treatment like it's his phone I demanded be unlocked. Very adult of him)

"Because you disrespected his privacy. Fuck that. He lied
As far as I'm concerned his privacy is null and void for the next three days until we find out what he was actually doing.

"I bet your crazy worry wart ass mother did this shit to you when you were a kid... that's why you're such a freak about it."


Well. Mr. Cool Dad.


A. We had no such technology when we were growing up. And my mother was strict to the point I went to very sneaky and extreme measures to have a regular social life. I don't want that with our kids. And I'm talking I snuck out and boys snuck in and the entire time my parents were asleep downstairs because they refused to LET me do normal shit like go to movies or hang out at friends houses or date.)

B. She didn't have to dig through my stuff. I wasn't fucking stupid enough to write anything down.


C. Don't play the crazy parent card with me sir. My mom had me on lockdown. Yours was snorting coke and using money for your school.clothes to pay for beach cabins to party at. Mine were overbearing and you might as well have been raised by bears.


Moron..


To me. If you're GONNA snoop it should be because they've given you a reason. IMO. we have cause. He doesn't see it that way.

This is way more complicated than anything I've dealt with.

I guess my first instinct was that he was deleting posts that were perhaps unkind or embarassing, but nothing like the explicit ones you describe. That's a problem.

Can you just sit his ass down and straight up tell him? Like, hey we think you deserve some space, but it's hard to trust you right now. When you hide things, frankly, we worry you're hiding them because you know you're going to get in trouble. So we have to have a way where we can respect you, but you have to respect us first. Because access to these things is a privilege, not a right. How can we work together?

Random checks maybe? Like when you're all there, you can ask to check, and it has to be immediate. If he deletes, or if there's anything inappropriate there, he loses phone priviliges for a certain amount of time.

You would have to sit down together and make a list of inappropriate uses, so he can't feign ignorance. But if he helps you make the list, he might feel like he's an active participant rather than being acted upon. Plus, if you let him choose who gets to look, L can't make arbitrary decisions about what's ok and what's not.

I dunno. All of this comes from my personal family dynamics. It's workable for me, but it might not be a workable solution for other family structures, KWIM?

However you go about it, including B still makes sense, I think.

Hope you get both your boys straightened out!