kissy
OG
I want a new drug...
Posts: 855 
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Post by kissy on Nov 4, 2015 17:20:41 GMT -7
Ryan seems to be doing rather well, although I really have nothing to base this on. J and I are trying to balance it all out--recognizing when we need to be empathetic vs. when he's just being a dick and needs to straighten up. The other night he had to stay with me because J had a work dinner. He was all for it until it was time for bed, then the water works started. Based on conversations I've had with him I believe he feels like he's hurting our feelings, depending on who he is staying with. He asked me if I could sell this house so we could live together again.  J and I are trying to be as positive as we can be, making this a 'good' thing and not bad. It seems to work, most of the time. He talks about it a lot, with friends and in front of neighbors (at the house where I used to be) so I keep getting texts asking me what the heck is going on, lol. It's not like I took out a newspaper ad and announced the shit. I guess I should be thankful that J and I aren't trying to kill each other or fighting or making things difficult, it's actually the total opposite. We get along better now than we have in the last 5 years or so. |
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Post by ronin on Nov 4, 2015 17:42:08 GMT -7
Poor little guy. He'll figure it out. It's just too new, I'm sure. It sounds like both of his parents are doing a great job of making sure he knows his parents are on HIS side.  He's very luck to have you and J. Too many divorced/separated couple just can't figure that out. You guys are awesome. |
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kissy
OG
I want a new drug...
Posts: 855
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Post by kissy on Nov 4, 2015 17:59:57 GMT -7
Thanks. We are both in this together and there's no hatred so that's a good thing. I just hate it for him and I don't have much to go on, my parents are still married. I have days where I feel good about all of this and then every so often the guilt creeps in, like we're being selfish for our own needs/wants. But the fact that we get along better now is positive.
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Post by smokinghorse on Nov 4, 2015 20:53:15 GMT -7
I probably sound like a broken record, but I firmly believe that 2 separate healthy houses are always better than one toxic one. It's going to hurt. There will be tough questions. When my kids were little, I just said that having my own house made me a better mom, and I wanted to be the best mom I could be for them.
You're doing just fine! But you'll hit rough patches. The hardest part of parenting is knowing that you did all the right things, and somehow it still didn't "take". They make bad choices. They do bad things. Things that never in a million years you would think could come from this child you raised right. You can only do your best. Just keep plowing forward, and don't let guilt or fear cloud your resolve. You got this.
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Post by nomorewirehanger on Nov 4, 2015 22:37:26 GMT -7
Big hugs. You guys are handling this tough situation incredibly well. And there will always be times he wants the other parent no matter which he is with (this does not change with age) but what does change is acceptance. Years ago a therapist asked B flat out if he acted out because it put his parents in the same room and he wanted to see them together. The answer was a very fast Yes.
But he added he really liked that they didn't fight anymore. And when she asked him why they didn't fight he said "well they don't live together to get on each others nerves. And chelsea makes them get along too. Told daddy to quit saying mean stuff and mommy to quit making him mad on purpose. I like that. "
He was ten.
It's hard but they understand so much more than we think and y'all are doing great. *more hugs*
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kissy
OG
I want a new drug...
Posts: 855
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Post by kissy on Nov 5, 2015 6:36:04 GMT -7
I probably sound like a broken record, but I firmly believe that 2 separate healthy houses are always better than one toxic one. It's going to hurt. There will be tough questions. When my kids were little, I just said that having my own house made me a better mom, and I wanted to be the best mom I could be for them. You're doing just fine! But you'll hit rough patches. The hardest part of parenting is knowing that you did all the right things, and somehow it still didn't "take". They make bad choices. They do bad things. Things that never in a million years you would think could come from this child you raised right. You can only do your best. Just keep plowing forward, and don't let guilt or fear cloud your resolve. You got this. Thanks Abby! I agree with you but I think I struggle with it because it's not what MY mom did--my mom is a master at sacrificing herself to make everyone else around her happy. She's learning now, with my help, that not everything is ok all the time, sometimes it's just not and it's ok. But she never learned how to deal with that so therefore neither did I, but I understand it a whole lot better now. Thank you for all the kind words, I really appreciate it. I laid in bed the other morning and rather than think about all the things I was doing wrong I started to recognize all the things I've done right and that my life is actually great even with the hiccups. It's a good feeling.  |
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kissy
OG
I want a new drug...
Posts: 855
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Post by kissy on Nov 5, 2015 6:41:10 GMT -7
Big hugs. You guys are handling this tough situation incredibly well. And there will always be times he wants the other parent no matter which he is with (this does not change with age) but what does change is acceptance. Years ago a therapist asked B flat out if he acted out because it put his parents in the same room and he wanted to see them together. The answer was a very fast Yes. But he added he really liked that they didn't fight anymore. And when she asked him why they didn't fight he said "well they don't live together to get on each others nerves. And chelsea makes them get along too. Told daddy to quit saying mean stuff and mommy to quit making him mad on purpose. I like that. " He was ten. It's hard but they understand so much more than we think and y'all are doing great. *more hugs* You know, I believe they have a much better understanding of things than we do sometimes, it's just they don't always know how to deal with the feelings that come along with it! Ryan says he wants us to be in the same house but that he does like it that he has two awesome houses to go and that his dad and me don't fight anymore. He used to get really upset when we fought and he'd interrupt oh so politely and ask if we could wait to fight until he was not there.  It broke my heart but J and I were just at each other constantly. We went through a spell years ago where I nitpicked the fucksticks out of him, he couldn't do anything right. And then I realized that was not ok and I didn't want to fight and I didn't need the stress/anxiety it caused and the reality was it was MY OWN issues that I was taking out on him. What's funny is that eventually he started doing the same thing to me and I got to see how awful it made me feel. I dunno much but I do know this is better and we will get through this and Ryan will be fine. |
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Post by smokinghorse on Nov 5, 2015 9:42:53 GMT -7
Funny you mentioned the whole, "not how my mom did it" thing. I have the opposite mom. Worked her butt off, retired at 55. So me doing the SAHM thing always made me feel like a slacker.
I am in the middle of a very deep taking stock phase. I'm compelled to work with/help addicts. I'm passionate about it and I'm good at it. Just have to figure out what capacity to work from.
Isn't it crazy, though, the impact of parenting? In ways we don't even realize for the first 30 or so years of our lives.
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kissy
OG
I want a new drug...
Posts: 855
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Post by kissy on Nov 5, 2015 12:34:18 GMT -7
Funny you mentioned the whole, "not how my mom did it" thing. I have the opposite mom. Worked her butt off, retired at 55. So me doing the SAHM thing always made me feel like a slacker. I am in the middle of a very deep taking stock phase. I'm compelled to work with/help addicts. I'm passionate about it and I'm good at it. Just have to figure out what capacity to work from. Isn't it crazy, though, the impact of parenting? In ways we don't even realize for the first 30 or so years of our lives. It's very interesting, and crazy, especially the things I've 'fallen in to' and the things I just refused to do like my mom. My mom was a sahm and then worked in the public school system so she had the same hours as us kids. We never went to day care, we never were latch key kids, mom was always there. She doted on my dad, she still does, and let him get away with being emotionally unavailable to us kids and to her to a certain extent. She made sure we never saw anything bad, and always made excuses for him. I swore I would never marry someone who expected to be taken care of, and I didn't, Jeremy made it very easy for me to WANT to take care of him. And as far as parenting, I let Ryan see things that make my mom cringe, real things, real life. My mom parented from some guide book that she created and it didn't matter our personalities, everything was black and white. I'm not like that and it baffles her, lol. I think you'd be great at helping addicts, you should definitely find what will fit you best. |
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Post by nomorewirehanger on Nov 5, 2015 21:59:39 GMT -7
The way I look at it is... And the reason I've been pushing my husband and myself to work on our individual issues and focus on what we appreciate about each other is... We don't want to end up like our parents.
Mine... Appear happy. I think they are happy. But after 37 years together are they actually happy or just comfortable? And my in-laws.... Miserable. Together 35 years and mother in law admitted tonight she doubts they make it to their 36th anniversary in December because... She's just done.
That's a lifetime of years to me to be unhappy and fester unhappiness.
My kids have seen and heard us argue more in the last year than I ever thought possible... And for what? Shit we can't even remember why we are mad. His resentment over being the only one who works and my not being Donna Reed. My resentment over his freedom to just .. Go away for two weeks this month alone because "he's earned it."
If we can't figure all this personal angst out don't we owe it to ourselves to spend the next 35 years ... Happy?
It's a conundrum.
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kissy
OG
I want a new drug...
Posts: 855
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Post by kissy on Nov 6, 2015 5:50:46 GMT -7
My parents have been married for 45--might be 46 years. What is happiness and where exactly does it come from? My dad was not hands on as a parent, unless it came to discipline, which didn't happen often. Having to parent with J sometimes I wonder if it wasn't easier for my mom because she didn't have to share that responsibility, because that's what J and I tend to argue about the most.
Don't get me wrong, we agree on a lot, but there's some things I just don't agree with and the reality is we are both pulling from our own personal experiences growing up and can't be faulted for that. For him, his parents divorced when he was young, he had one stepmother and eventually a half sister, but that marriage didn't last long and his mother is on her 4th divorce. A far cry from my Leave it to Beaver experience.
J's intentions are always good, and that's a good thing, and he is so actively involved it's a blessing and a curse, lol! On the other hand, I'm struggling with finding my own identity outside just being Ryan's mom. For many years I was J's wife. I had a hard time balancing the two after Ry was born. When I worked, I had a hard time balancing all three, even though I really think I was happier when I had a job outside the house.
I dunno, at this point it's just day by day and so far so good. I worry too much about things I can't control and I even worry about the things I can to the point where I can't/won't/don't make a decision. I'm thinking that very well may be a self esteem issue that I need to work on.
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It broke my heart but J and I were just at each other constantly. We went through a spell years ago where I nitpicked the fucksticks out of him, he couldn't do anything right. And then I realized that was not ok and I didn't want to fight and I didn't need the stress/anxiety it caused and the reality was it was MY OWN issues that I was taking out on him. What's funny is that eventually he started doing the same thing to me and I got to see how awful it made me feel. I dunno much but I do know this is better and we will get through this and Ryan will be fine.